blunt pencil

It never really occurs to me until just now that tomorrow is Deepavali day. It’s very obvious the reason for this is because I am in Germany where all you can see people doing their normal routine. Although i could simply blame myself for this because i live with Siva,my indian housemate and there’s no way i could simply forget his festival. Maybe i start to care less about other people?

The rain outside starts to get me the blues tonight. I suddenly remember my good Indian neighbour,Auntie Maya and her family. When i was a kid,her daughters and me sometimes play together. I could still remember her fresh hot soybean milk that she would occasionally give to my family in a big steel mug (u know this mug if u see one). At that time soybean milk was not so famous and i keep thinking to myself,how soybean really look like? How did she squeeze the milk out of it and make it so tasty?

One year,she made a feast for Deepavali and the food was delicious. The curry was thick and creamy and the weird (i mean i never seen it before,besides maruku of course) biscuits were sweet. After that,every year i keep looking forward for her Deepavali feast. I still remember one year her old mother died just days before Deepavali and as a result they could not make the feast (or even celebrate it? i’m not sure..). Although i felt sad for her,but deep down i keep saying ‘Doesn’t her mother has another day to die?’ I was stupid and immature at that time,forgive me.

After many good years,her family somehow moved out. Luckily they moved in a different house but still the same ‘perumahan’. But i still think it’s quite far.(in a sense of the easiness for seeing each other in a small ‘perumahan’) As i grew older,i somehow miss the Deepavali biscuits. One of it is round in shape. I’m not quite sure the name,but i pretty sure it’s either called Ladhu or another name that i could not remember right now. My mom knows it.

Once she even took the courtesy to made the biscuit especially for me because she somehow knew (through my mom of course..you know women) that i like the biscuits. That year i missed her Deepavali Feast because i was away from home (i was in UTP,perak or in Intec,Shah Alam..i can’t remember). I felt so touched when my mom handed me the ‘tuppeware’ containing biscuits saying that it’s from Auntie Maya. As always, i took things for granted and ate only 2 pieces of it,thinking that i would ate the remaining later/tomorrow. It remained untouched and become bad so my mom had to throw it away. I never think,it must have been quite a work for her to make the biscuits outside the Deepavali season. Now i regret it.

Months before i when to Germany, she suddenly suffered from intestine illness. After going through Chemotherapy and surgery,it somehow got worse and she ended up carrying a small pouch around her stomach for the ‘digested food’ as her ‘back’ is completely stiched. Luckily she still have the long wavy healthy hair even after Chemo.(as most people would go completely bald as the result of the strong side effects) The doctors said it is a miracle and she is quite strong. I hope she is.

I remember she came to my house once just to make a visit to chat with my mother,just like old time. Eventhough she smile and acted normal,i could still see her suffering in her eyes. But i never really talk to her. Maybe i just being lazy. I hoped she’ll get better. She will.

She never did. Early this year,when i called home from Germany i got the news that she passed away. It was really sad but there’s nothing i could do. Suddenly i remember if i even visit her before i went to Germany. i didn’t. I hope she didn’t think that  i become arrogant  or something.

Today,besides watching colourful Deepavali festival in TV/newspaper,at least i have something sweet to  remember and some regret that comes with it. Deepavali won’t be just another holiday…

(first of all,i just want to let u know that i write this blog with full of anger,so if it sound stupid just ignore it,or better yet just skip it,read other stuff,the telephone directory for example. :P)

  last night my floormate and i had a meeting. i didn’t want to go at
first bcos i had a lot to cover for the exam tomorrow,but he convinced
me that it won’t be long. but it turned out to last about an hour. so i
was kind of frustrated. but what made me more frustrated is what the
meeting is all about. they came out with a new rule for the kitchen.

• first,immediately clean the dishes after finish using it/cooking.

• next,immediately dried it with cloth (u are not allowed to leave it in
  the sink and clean it later or leave at the place where u put the plates the let it dry.)

• finally,put it back in the kitchen
  cabinet/shelves/ur room.

    isn’t that simple …yeah for them maybe?! i think the second step is totally stupid. u have to let the dishes dried itself. that is the purpose of that thing ( the thing that u put the dishes after washing it..i don’t know what it is called). besides, it won’t be fully dried even if using cloth and this step won’t work if u have a hot pan full of oil. u have to wait it to cool down to save  the oil (for reuse.)

    now the kitchen is freaking clean and empty. it looks as if no one ever use it. no plates,cups,spoons. this is a madness. this is totally not normal. the place around the stove is sparkling clean. i mean u could actually do ur homework there! this is not how it’s suppose to be. there should be at least some stain..oil stain,milk,water..i dunno..whatever. that shows that u actually use it. i dunno,imagine that a ‘mak cik’ from kampung went into this kitchen (and she intend to find the perfect girl for her son),she won’t say ‘what a hardworking girl,look at the clean kitchen’,she would think ‘hmm mesti dapur tak penah berasap ni,bersih ja,must be a lazy girl,only eat outside’. luckily i’m a man,that’s no problem for me. any normal kitchen with housewife that always cook in msia surely don’t look like this. unless ur kitchen will be featured in mags or use as a scene in ‘cerekarama’. and what’s up with that steel? i thought all kitchen usually have  surface made of tile. not steel. this is not a chef’s kitchen in 5 stars hotel! that’s the prob. because it’s made of steel,any small stain could destroy the sparkling and any freaking,hygieneic,Monica-in-Friends-sitcom-like germans could easily spot this.

    besides they rarely cook. sometimes i saw they ate bread and some sallad for dinner. what is up with that? no wonder this new rule seems ok to them. i bet they also don’t have a german word for  ‘menumis’ ( it is an act where u throw something like garlic or onion into hot oil and cause some of the oil to splatter around the stove a little!). hm if i could not make even a little mess,maybe i could do something that they could not prevent…like menumis belacan. haha maybe that would be a nice ‘goodbye present’ from me on the last day i stay here. let the smell fill the whole floor. hahaha (big evil laugh)..muahaha (..and the laugh continue).

dah lama x tulis blog. it’ been like 6 months since my last blog. i have many things to write,but well..malas haha.

change. i want to write about it bcos i frequently check my friendster and look at my friends page,especially when the updated their photos. i saw a lot of my friends change…well at least that what i think when i see the photo (maybe sometimes they exagegrate a little…:p)

do people change? some might heard people said ‘well,people change..’. but there’s also saying which goes ‘people never change’. come to think of it,it’s doesn’t make sense. the world is changing,so how come people never change? maybe we do change but we never notice it. it’s like asking ourself ‘am i a nice person?’ we can’t answer that without being biased. we get input or feedback from people who are close with us,that’s the way to notice it. they like a mirror to us.

some people like changes,bcos it can be adventurous,refreshing,and improve oursleves. some don’t bcos they might turn into someone bad or be rejected from others. many changes that i see does give me quite an impression. some of it includes getting a little chubbier/skinny, have a new hair cut/style,doesn’t wear tudung anymore,start smoking,start a new hobby..bla bla etc.
some people like when others say ‘wow u never change! It’s still u’. some might hate it when the said that bcos it gives the thought ‘have i never change at all? do i make any improvement?’

some people change to get into  a certain group or being accepted by them. it may contradicts with their own value and have to pretend it. it may last (and stay with the change) or it may end up being exaggerate or it may not last at all.

one way or another we certainly change. it may be small that no one notice it and we think we never change or it may be huge that others take notice of it. however compared to habits,changing one’s value might be harder.

well, do i change? i don’t know. i have to ask u. do i?

“Shit!”

That’s what comes out of my mouth when my pc ‘hang’. I’m sure that most of you know what ‘hang’ means. It’s when you pc stuck or freeze; when you can’t move the cursor around and the last thing to do is push the ‘restart’ button. It’s very common to happen when you open so many programs or windows, when you trying to finish up assignment in the last minute (or copying, I suppose) or even when you download mp3s which almost 100% complete. This machine really knows how to ruin your day. (So who say machine doesn’t have feeling hah?) In my case it’s not because of that. I know that my pc needs more RAM. We are in the year 2005 and who can stand a 192Mb RAM-Pc nowadays! The problem is my father, my know-nothing-about-technology-or-even-sending-an-sms father. Well, actually my mother too. I really don’t blame them.

Lot

of parents are like them, I know. But it does not making thing easier for me.  I really want to upgrade the RAM but I just don’t know how to tell him. I know how the conversation would be. There are 3 steps or stages.

First, the definition.

“Dad,the pc needs more RAM or it would get stuck every time I uses it.” 

“Really? What is RAM actually?”

I have to start explaining and usually using general term like ‘memory’ or ‘the things inside the pc’.

Then the linkage.

“So, do these RAM thing have something to do with school or your work?”

When these question pops out,I felt guilty. We know that less than 30% of it is for study and stuff. The others is for downloading songs, chatting using Yahoo Messenger, Friendster, and others entertainment or hobbies stuff. We can’t explain that, the parents won’t get the picture how vital these things are. So usually I turn my heads away said something slowly like ‘yeah’,’maybe’ or ‘after this’

After that, the financial consideration.

“How much does it cost?”

“About RM150 for 128Mb”

“Well, I don’t really have much money but if it is can help your study and really important to you,looks like we have to buy it.”

Then, I feel like cheating to him. I’m not completely happy after the 3^rd stage. That’s why I still using the dial-up 56Kbps Modem although I know the Tmnet Streamyx is much faster. I just don’t know how to tell him ,just RM60 per month using the Streamyx we can download a 4Mb mp3 song less that a minute compare to the old dial-up modem which takes about 45 minutes. It’s really save a lot of time.

But at the end of the day, I have to accept it. We are not a rich family and have to use money wisely. It’s not just about satisfying me. Besides, only I frequently uses the internet, and that’s only when stay home during the semester break. My sister’s busy with her preparation for SPM. Unless I went home, the pc will stay quiet, not to be used by anyone and soon dust would invade most of the area. But,then my mother would warn.

“Cover the computer or it would be attacked by virus because of the dust!”

Oh mother!

That really tickles me every time…

Damn burglers,

Remember me? Ok,let me refresh u and get this straight. I’m the one that stay in kolej cemara with 3 others roommate. U break into our house between 3.30 -6.00 am and stole 3 handphone and rm200. I figure out the period because one of my roommate slept late that day (around 3.00a) and I didn’t hear my alarm which suppose to sound at 6.35 am. U have the nerve to climb through the balcony and sneak into our room! Lucky for u that none of us wake up easily. Even though I’m the easiest to wake up every morning, that’s only bcos of the alarm. I can’t believe that u stole my hand phone that I put just beside my head! What happened if I suddenly woke up and grabbed ur hand? Boy,u sure didn’t want to know what I would do to u. I know that u r outsiders, coming through the ‘hole’ at the fences near the park, climb my balcony, do ur job and then went out through the front door(watching CSIs really paid off) U think that impressive enough? Well,I don’t. this is not the first time we had this. Our hand phones (yup that’s 4!) also being stole in the 1st semester. We stayed on the fourth floor in other block and one evening within 30 minutes of our absence the phones went missing! So,u r not that pro u know.. Unless if u r the same person, whoa…that’s really pissed me off!

why u did it? Yeah it’s a stupid question…for money of course, but don’t u people really care what gonna happened to us. Don’t u have a heart! U don’t give a damn, do you? u don’t really care that whether we are rich or poor. What happened if suddenly there’s a fire or athma attack when nobody’s around. U just killed people’s life. u never know it. Well,u only care ur a**!When my first handphone is being stole,I really frustrated. I used my saving to buy it. Well,I’m sure that most people agree that it’s not about the handphone,it’s the sim card, the list of numbers, the message, the pic or videos and other stuff. Why don’t u just leave the sim card next time!

u know,we as muslims believe that the prayers from the ‘victims’ are easily granted. wish u dead? No way! I just wish that after stealing our handphones, u will involve in a car accident,lost an eye or legs,or paralyzed for the rest of life. yeah,that’ll be great! Suffering. Then u know the value of life!

today i go out to catch War of the Worlds. i know it’s kind of late (that’s what my pals said to me) but i still think it is good since i can get the best seat….okay,okay i admit it. i just comeback from holidays and my hometown doesn’t have any cinema,yeah it is in Perlis. i hate it, i just hope they will built one! (and the authorities still blame us for buying illegal cds and dvds?!!!). what i’m gonna tell you is that i watch it alone. yes,no one just me. the thing is that this is just my attitude,i like to go out alone. if i have something to buy i would go out alone. it’s not that i don’t want to socialize with my friends,is just that i don’t want to trouble them following me. maybe the place that is not much of interest to them. i also don’t like walking round the mall aimlessly. if i want to buy something i just go there and buy it. that’s it! believe me if you went shopping in group,you’ll never get what you want or you buy something that you really doesn’t like or needed. i experienced it a lot of times. besides that,i kind of choosy when it comes to buying stuff. i want to make sure that it is the perfect and don’t waste my money. that’s why i don’t like people going oit with me when i’m shopping. not just shopping,if i had planned the list of places and things that i want to do (not really list it,just think about it) like first watch movie in Mid Vally,then buying mags and browsing some books at Borders then have lunch at KFC at KL Sentral before going back to Shah Alam, i prefer i followed it. this surely not gonna happened if you go in a groups. although sometime i go out in a groups if just to catch the movies because they always catch the latest one (they like to be the first to watch it and then promote it to others,hehe) and i just can’t resist that. besides that if i go in a groups,i have to spend extra money because sometime they went to expensive places to eat(well, not always). anyway it’s kind of fun going out in group because i can talk,not boring and find out about new places that i’ve never been. that’s why when i’m going to buy stuff,i rather go alone and them return hoem quickly. chowz.

wHat to do,i’m going back tonight. i Have to attend a thing in INTEC (and some of my friends) and i must get back early,yeah that’s what i need after almost a month of squeezing my brains out for A level:going back early! wHile others enjoying their mom’s cooking,pampering themselves,be couch potatoes,i can’t get 2 weeks of peace for myself. oK,i admit now i feel a little homesick already. oF course lah,i live in perlis,and the only time i can get back home is during semester breaks or holiday with more than 4 days. iT does not make any sense to go back and then come back here if the holiday only 3 days. RM60 for both trips!(by bus)

i Like going back. oNe of the reasons is watching DVDs. i like FRIENDS. a Few months ago i bought the complete season 3 and 6. it is the best thing ever. i would watch it over and over again,eventhough i can remember some of the jokes,but it still funny. currently i re-watching season 6 b’cos it is DVD9 and has clearer sound. there are 2 cds left and 12 episodes and i have to watch it before 9.30pm.(the time the bus depart). i Like Chandler and Phoebe. Chandler b’cos he make a lot of joke,sarcastic,and really funny when he freaked out. bUt sometimes i don’t really get the jokes b’cos maybe it is ’bout US and the americans understand it. Phoebe b’cos of her personality,she believes in paranormal thing and stuff,and doesn’t really care what people think of her. iT is a pity she’s not the main character(it is ’bout Rachel and Ross) but i keep on focusing really hard when she appears so that i can laugh at her jokes. ok got to go,12 episodes left. chowz

i’M sure lot of you always being approach by beggers or people who sell something for the needy people like books etc. i Currently stay in shah alam and i frequently went to Giant supermarket in SS18. tHere you can find many these type of people. i Always being the victim to them. iT is not that i don’t want to help but i’m still a student and i don’t have that much money myself. i Buy a lot of stuff like food,hair gel,food,books and food. bUt sometimes i cannot disappoint or let the down,those sad faces and shaking voices arghh! i Don’t want to be Bush or Tony Blair. i Once buy a bookmark from an Indian woman who said that that’s for the kidney fund or something,i cannot remember. bUt i must tell you once u bought something you really felt relief,happy…etc.

i Just hate it when i really in the mood for helping these thing won’t happen. lIke when i was watching Bersamamu on tv3,’bout helping poor family or handicapped people, my handphone has no credit! it is just RM2 (well that is the lowest) and that really mean a lot to them. wHen my credit is ’bout to expire and i have like RM6 left,i would rather spend it on that thing but instead i choose to purchase those stupid ringtones on Bipop (Berita Minggu on sunday) or expensive caller ringtone(i’m using Maxis). iT’s ’bout the timing i guess. i Wonder why maxis don’t send messages like ‘your account will expire in 3 days. If u don’t want to spend it,pleasde donate to Heart & Kidney Fund at 33777′ instead ‘Please topup the your god damn account so that we’ll be more richer’. i Forgot,mybe i’m the only creature in this world which has this prob. yOu see,i don’t really use my handphone,i don’t have a girlfriend,i never phone anyone and i just use it for asking homework. i Just hope that malaysian will be more generous and help others. dOn’t just wait for Tsunami,we can donate anytime. ok,chowz.

akuM. ok,it looks like everyone wants to blog theN. i also wanna try this blogging thinG. actually,i wants to start earlier,’bout a month ago when i read this article in a newspaper ’bout blogging and how it is ‘a global phenomenon’ theN. so i figure out why not try iT. i always wants to say something after something happened or just strike my minD. i don’t feel like writing a diary cos i think it is a girlie stufF. (no offence to those male diaryers<–that word exists ka?) i think it is just a waste if u have something in ur mind,and then after 2 days it just slip awaY. maybe it is useful,who knowS. i myself don’t know what i’m going to blog ‘bouT. should i just blog ’bout my routine,friends or some serious stuff like global problems,newS.  i think botH. i don’t read mucH. but i do read these article ’bout bloggers and how these people write some really stuff and even could effect the political in US,Britain (although not all really reliable,trustable) that some writers also pick their resources from bloggerS. ok,i try to keep myself blogginG.